The Biggest Myths About Community Building
By Marney Andes
I have a lot of friends who move to neighborhoods because of the “community.” I myself moved to Denver to be near the community, and everything that the city has to offer.
But honestly, for the past few years, my travels downtown to the “action” has been for work, not the theatre or a professional sporting event like I so often proclaim is the reason for me living here. And that’s okay. Because community building isn’t just what’s physically around you.
I started finding some misconceptions around “community”; what I find myself looking for and what I always have to remind myself about.
MYTH: Your community is waiting for you.
FACT: Your community takes work.
Unfortunately, life isn’t like what it is on TV. Remember the show Friends? Well, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Ross aren’t hangin’ on your couch, waiting for you to pioneer the next group adventure. Lives are busy. People are waiting on their kids, working overtime, and getting ready for things. Especially around big metro areas like where I am in Denver, nobody allots much time to just waiting.
That’s why the idea that community building is just part of the deal when you live somewhere is a little... wonky.
Your community is where you are because you put in work to make it how it is. You’ve scheduled appointments. You’ve made plans. You’ve put alone time on the calendar. You blocked out Friday nights for date nights with your partner. All of what’s happening around you is because you’re creating it, not because it’s forcing its will on you.
That’s because community doesn’t happen to you, it happens because of you.
In some communities and friendships, you might be the beneficiary of the fun, there to listen and follow the group to the next outing, and that’s okay.
What’s also okay is if you feel like you want to form a community by being the ringleader. Have some friends who you’d love to get to know? Send them a group text and make something happen:
“I just got my kitchen redone and would love to invite you over for a homegrown meal. I’ve been wanting you all to meet each other, too. Who’s in for Friday night?”
And if you’d rather keep that community just to yourself, put some alone time on the same calendar as your work, and stick to it. Schedule that massage. Take a day off to drive to the mountains. Don’t be afraid to be the ringleader in your “community of one.”
For me, I like communities where:
I can connect in intimate settings
I can be with people who make me think
I can have a good laugh
I can have a deep conversation
What type of community do you like?
MYTH: Your community is in your physical location.
FACT: Your community can be anywhere.
There are certain things you can only do in-person, like walking downtown, attending farmer’s markets, or getting dinner with someone. But community building isn’t just about who you’re around physically . It’s about who you’re around energetically . Your physical space doesn’t need to limit your ability to have an awesome community around you.
I have friends all over the country who I have text exchanges with now and then, (sometimes one-on-one and in groups), chatting about how we’re doing and what’s going on just as if we were in person.
There are Facebook groups centered specifically around female entrepreneurs who do 30-minute one-on-one virtual coffee dates with a randomly-picked member of that group.
I know of online course participants who’ve made their own Slack groups and have weekly accountability groups far after they’ve finished their modules, just so they can update each other on their lives.
Great communities come with great people or great time and space, not necessarily physical locations.
MYTH: Your community is made up of people.
FACT: Your community is made up of people, places, and experiences.
Maybe it's not the people, but rather the places or experiences to which you’re drawn.
And that’s where I really get tripped up.
I see Friends, I watch Sex and the City, and I say, “Why don’t I have that? Am I supposed to want that?”, finding myself feeling this weird guilt that I should be doing what they’re doing.
But communities are far more than people. It’s beyond setting up “Wine Wednesday” or going out clubbing for a girl’s night (in fact, I’d argue that alcohol isn’t necessary for having a good time).
For this, you need to know what matters to you.
Do girls trips get you excited, or would you much rather prefer staying inside and ordering takeout?
Do you like highly-social environments and meeting new people left and right, or would you prefer getting lost in a bookstore by yourself or with a close friend?
See, you can still have your community sitting in your cozy living room. It’s far past having tons of people around you, and more of the places and experiences that bring you joy.
I’d much prefer an intimate night in with one or two close friends than going to a big gathering. Or gazing longingly out the window, like in this picture. C’mon, doesn’t this look fun?
MYTH: Your community will always stay the same.
FACT: Your community will change. And that’s okay.
I know; we’d love it if we had those friends that were always ready to talk, always available for late-night adventures, or always 5 minutes away from your doorstep. It’s crazy how even in Manhattan, every girlfriend in Sex and the City seemed to get over to each other’s apartments at the drop of a hat.
But the reality is, some of your friends will move away.
Some of your friends will get married and have babies.
Some of your friends will drop everything and travel the world with a backpack.
And you need to learn how to build your community around that, not use it as an excuse to throw your hands up in the air and think that your community is forever gone.
The key is to create a community that you’re actually drawn to (and ditch what you’re not).
If you find yourself wary to make plans with your typical group because everything begins and ends with you, dreading events, or your feeling more pulled towards other experiences, it’s okay to give yourself permission to decide if a community is still serving you, and make the effort to remove yourself and find a community that does resonate with you.
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I recognize this isn’t always easy. None of these ideas are. I still have to work really hard on all of this. I need to remind myself that the idea of community looks different for a lot of people, so I know that comparing myself to television or what I see on social media isn’t going to make it any easier.
The good thing is that you have much more power over the people, places, and experiences in your life than you might think. Just because you’re not living life like Carrie Bradshaw or Phoebe Buffay doesn’t mean you’re not doing “community” right.