Listen, really listen
“I will not talk during class.”
I remember the first day of 1st-grade (yes, 1st-grade). I was sent home with a single sheet of lined notebook paper. An assignment to return the next morning with twenty-five sentences completed which read, “I will not talk during class.” I don’t recall exactly what I was talking about or how many times I talked before testing my teacher’s tolerance, but it was enough to get me in trouble. I liked to talk. I liked to ask questions. I liked to make jokes, comments, and more. And I learned early on that talking in school was “bad.”
Onward to my early adulthood and professional life and talking was something I found myself doing comfortably. Whether it was facilitating training or making a presentation, the willingness to share my voice was almost an expectation, which became a habit. Instruct, describe, explain, and convince. Share a solution with a touch of opinion.
Fast forward to the present day and I’ve found that while I could continue to speak, offer advice, and be the idea or solution person, I’ve found my most profound success comes from listening. Prompting questions and listening. I have led teams for almost 20 years and what I’ve learned in that time is the ability to listen and support others doing their best work, which in turn allows me to do my best work. I coach and support those around me and I love it. When I’m in that kind of position, I know I’m doing my best work. Anything other than that feels depleting and less than ideal for what I know I have to offer. But this hasn’t always come easy, mostly because I was outspoken from the time I was able to utter a complete sentence (or at least that’s what I assume if I was getting assigned sentences when I was only 6 years old). Silence is awkward, right? If someone isn’t sharing more information with us, we need to fill the space with our voice, right?
A few weeks ago, I shared my experience hosting and participating in a Homegrown Dinner. I facilitated an in-person Homegrown Dinner as recently as last week. A similar theme came up during both instances. Requests from others at the table to ask questions and speak with the person answering the question. A few people privately chatted with me, “Are we allowed to ask questions?” While in-person listening to another, someone interjected a comment and quickly responded, “Oh, I’m sorry, I know I’m not supposed to interrupt. Apologies.” While some claim to be more reserved or less vocal, when others are speaking, most, if not all of us, are prone to interrupt with questions, comments, and statements. This is why one of the most challenging parts of the Homegrown Dinner is listening.
Listening, really listening:
Invites an authentic voice. When not interrupted, people can provide the information they want to provide, what they believe to be the most important, and in the detail, they want to share. When interrupted, even with the best-intended questions, those who are sharing can lose track of what and why they were sharing. They become reactors to questions rather than going through a mini-journey of self-exploration and what flows from them naturally. “But I’m asking things like, ‘how or why’, so how is that a bad thing?” When you provide space for others to talk many times they’ll get there on their own. They will share the how and why without prompting. And if they don’t? They may be processing it in the moment or later as a result of the interaction and prompted by the question in general. It’s part of the journey. Allow them to experience it.
Will free your mind. When your only role is to listen, your mind is free to be in the moment. You’re not caught up in what to ask or how you’ll ask a follow-up question. Simply listen and consume.
Supports better sharing over time. When you hold space for an authentic voice and free the mind of needing to ask more questions, sharing gets better. Everyone has stories to share, ideas to explore, and challenges to navigate. We all get better at doing that when we hold space for each other to work through it.
We need to be better listeners. I’ve learned this over the years and have found it to be the number one differentiator in both my professional and personal life. When I do it well, others around me flourish and so do I, experiencing first-hand the reward of others finding clarity or learning something new for themselves. And when that isn’t what I feel in my work or life, I know it’s time to slow down, sit patiently, and really listen.
Take time today and hold space for those around you, uninterrupted, and experience it for yourself.