Making space for real connection
"Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self." ~Harrier Goldhor Lerner
We’ve all experienced the interaction with another person that goes a little something like this…
“How’s it going? How’s the job? How’s the family? How’s the [fill in the blank].”
Followed by the subtle reply of “It’s good,” “Going okay,” “Hanging in there,” or some other version of these statements.
During my interactions with others, I have asked these simple questions and provided these simple answers. For the longest time, I accepted this as normal. A normal exchange between two people who hadn’t seen or talked to one another. But as time has gone on, dare I say as I’ve aged, this kind of exchange has left me feeling “blah.” As if the “meh” emoji shows up at the end of our exchange just to be sure we both really are aware of what kind of interaction we’ve just experienced with each other.
More so, I realized that in my work life, whether it be in an office or at a professional networking event, these kinds of “meh” exchanges seemed to take place all the time. While I might learn where someone works or how long they’ve been committed to their career, for those I met, I didn’t know them as people when it was all said and done.
But it wasn’t just people in a professional setting. I found that these simple exchanges had crept into my personal life too. Unless I was sitting with a good friend for coffee, these exchanges happened all the time. And to put a really big spotlight on it, these types of exchanges were happening in my home, with the people to whom I’m closest.
Five years ago I set out to experiment with the concept of connection and engagement with others in a different way. I hosted a Homegrown Dinner at a local restaurant with almost twenty other women where we shared food, each answered a question of the evening and connected. It was incredible. Just by participating, women connected with other women they didn’t know prior to the event, shared common experiences, and also learned something new about each other and about themselves.
Last week, I continued this concept and hosted my first virtual Homegrown Dinner. A smaller group of women with only one connection in common prior to the event: they each knew me. We held space for each other to listen and share, so that connection could take shape. Stories were shared, as well as laughs and tears, and connectedness took flight. The next day, I received texts from most of them that they had made plans to connect with each other again.
So, what does it take to change and make a real connection? Like much of what I write about (and try to live by), it’s simple. Here are three things to start doing to create a deeper connection with someone.
Make the time. Be mindful that this isn’t a big ask. You don’t have to make a lot of time to do this. As little as 15 minutes is needed for this to work. You simply need to decide to do it and carve out the time.
Ask better questions. This is a key component. You need to ask better questions. Rid yourself of the “how are you?” and ask a question like “what’s a challenge you’re dealing with at the moment?” A simple tweak to a question changes the entire dynamic, allowing for a greater connection with someone. Here are 20 questions to get you started.
Hold space for each other. This is where you and others may be tested but it’s at the core of why the Homegrown Dinner exists. When we ask questions, we make time and space to listen to each other. We don’t interrupt, we don’t problem solve, we don’t ask why, and more. We hold space. We listen. We really listen.
If you’ve followed my writing for a while or read my book, you’ll find a common theme in what and how I share. While this is simple, it’s not easy. Perhaps you’re someone who is a self-proclaimer of “being too busy.” Maybe you’ve picked up the habit of responding to your phone notifications at the moment, regardless of what is going on around you. Or, maybe you’re the type of person who is easily distracted and then responds to your child even when it’s not an emergency. If any of these or other distractions tend to take hold of you when you’re trying to have a conversation with someone, then you do need to take a moment and figure out how you’ll isolate yourself to make space for this exercise, which may mean you go somewhere away from distractions. The “ease” that comes with this is solely up to you.
If you’re interested in learning more about hosting a Homegrown Dinner of your own, please reach out. I’ll be sharing more in the coming weeks, but always happy to connect with any of you sooner.